The beginning of this story
I was 7 years old. I had overheard my parents discuss how worried they were about my butt getting this big. I didn’t second-guess that. I searched for a picture of me as an unfriendly reminder. That picture AND statement stayed with me for years. Well, let’s get real here: for decades.
All my life, I have been overweight, yo-yo style. Same style with self-esteem.
Inspiration #1
In 2011, I had some sort of calling. I was inspired to run. I knew there was a heart-felt timing for me in that. I knew my body needed it. Actually, every cell of my body wanted it. But I couldn’t get past this embarrassing feeling of humiliation: I would have to move my big butt in front of other people!! I could walk, but run??! Wrapped up in guilt and anger, the heaviness I felt was painful.
So I said no. To running, to myself, and to a powerful flow of Life.
Inspiration #2
In April 2012, same inspiration. Much stronger. Much clearer. And I said yes. The urge was too uplifting to ignore. I literally pushed my courage out of the yo-yo scale and I jumped. Into running, in my own skin and in my own life. As a declared non-sportive, this step was huge for me.
With this one single decision, a powerful momentum was being activated. Finally.
Head-on, I faced the hidden scars of years of inaction and self-indulgence. The hidden scars of poor self-acceptance with multiple layers of doubts. So much life denied because I was too scared to breathe and let go…
At first, the question was: ‘How will I get to run even for 1 minute?!’ Later, I got to: “How will I get to run 1 km?” Then I got to: ‘How will I get to run 5 km?!!’ And later it was: ‘How will I get to run 10 km?!!!’ Same question, same feeling, different numbers.
No matter how heavy the doubts were, I succeeded. Each and every time. I was so scared to fail… But if I dare to push this truth a little further, I was even more scared to succeed. Which I did anyway. By sticking to the plan. By standing up and strong, in and for myself, each and every sweating step of the way.
Inspiration #3
I worked my way to a powerful moment. THE question came 9 months after I had decided to run for the first time in my entire life, I was 42 at the moment: Will you train for a half marathon?
Another shower of doubts poured over me. Slow learner, I guess I was. Scared slow learner actually. But this time, my gut-feeling was screaming this ‘YEEEESSSSSSSSS!’ so powerfully..! It was much too crystal-clear to deny. Even my own sleep chose to stay away, giving up its space for some more crystal-clearness. My mouth couldn’t choose to say otherwise. My whole body and heart and soul had already decided. My terrified-overwhelmed-crazy mind just had to step down and follow the decision against its will.
I didn’t know how I would get to do that. I sincerely had no idea. Because between 10 and 21 km, there is a pretty big mathematical gap! But I knew I would do it. I just had to allow myself to trust, in order to make it easier on myself. Trust my coach, trust myself, and trust this amazing force inside of me. There was no other way: I was heading forward. And higher. No turning back.
On March 23th of 2013, it was with my 1000 km runner experience in little less than a year that I crossed the starting line of my first half marathon at the Flushing Meadows Corona Park in New York.
Almost 3 hours later, when I got through the finishing line, I KNEW right there and then that from that moment on, I had the power to say YES to any dream I had. I claimed my birthright to dream all over again. Big time.
Wisdoms extracted
- Today, as I look at the picture of this 7 years old me, and I don’t see the big butt. Because this butt wasn’t big.
- I see one thing though on that picture: the heavy weight of judgment.
- I love you 7 years old me. Butt included.
M